5 Everyday Things That Would Justify Me Hitting You In The Face

1. Beginning your sentences with "honestly..."
Oh God, thank you for finally being honest with me. Up until now I had assumed everything you said was a lie. But now I can sleep easier knowing that, "honestly you don't remember who the host of Reading Rainbow was." See when I usually ask you a question I'm banking on you telling me a lie.

You should be hit with - Lying For Dummies

By the way it was Levar Burton Dumb a**

2. Rubbing the bar of soap on your body

Once you start lathering your gross body with the ENTIRE bar of soap you aren't rubbing soap on your skin anymore, you are rubbing your filth onto the soap. Now I have to use that same bar to try to clean myself. It's like you want your dirt on me. Instead of transferring your grime onto me via transitive property through the soap, just put it right on me. You don't see mothers at the local pool squirting sunscreen onto their belly, then rubbing their children all over themselves. Cut out the middle man.

You should be hit with - Soap in a towel. Full Metal Jacket style.

3. Altering your walk in the shoe store.

I love seeing you at the Foot Locker with your mom trying on the newest Sketchers for you delicate feetsies. You look like you suddenly became a professional walker. Your knees have never gone higher. You look like a Native American yelling across the store "HEEL, TOE BITCHES! OH YEAH! I can really feel the fu*king support going from my arches down to the balls of my toes in these amazing vessels of orthopedic care! These are the ones Mom!"

You should be hit with -  Bilbo Baggins' feet

 

4. Taking the wrong piece of gum

While this may seem unimportant and petty, it is the most serious of all. When I have a half eaten pack of gum and out of the goodness of my heart I offer you a piece, take the correct one! When I say, "the correct one" I mean the next piece in order. I have clearly started eating the pieces beginning with the left side, so why would you decide to take the piece all the way to the right? You fu*ked my whole sequence and I don't even want this pack anymore.

You should be hit with - Just a plain old fist.

5. Giving your opinion on every preview

Everyone knows that the previews are the best part of the movie-going experience. But when you pop on your turtle neck and your glasses and magically turn into Roger Ebert, they are ruined. I don't need to know what you think about every preview and I especially don't need to know that you "haaave to see that!" You carry no weight in the film critic industry. I am certain of this.

You should be hit with - Roger Ebert's face. I will beat you with his face.