5 Everyday Things That Would Justify Me Hitting You In The Face

1. Beginning your sentences with "honestly..."
Oh God, thank you for finally being honest with me. Up until now I had assumed everything you said was a lie. But now I can sleep easier knowing that, "honestly you don't remember who the host of Reading Rainbow was." See when I usually ask you a question I'm banking on you telling me a lie.

You should be hit with - Lying For Dummies

By the way it was Levar Burton Dumb a**

2. Rubbing the bar of soap on your body

Once you start lathering your gross body with the ENTIRE bar of soap you aren't rubbing soap on your skin anymore, you are rubbing your filth onto the soap. Now I have to use that same bar to try to clean myself. It's like you want your dirt on me. Instead of transferring your grime onto me via transitive property through the soap, just put it right on me. You don't see mothers at the local pool squirting sunscreen onto their belly, then rubbing their children all over themselves. Cut out the middle man.

You should be hit with - Soap in a towel. Full Metal Jacket style.

3. Altering your walk in the shoe store.

I love seeing you at the Foot Locker with your mom trying on the newest Sketchers for you delicate feetsies. You look like you suddenly became a professional walker. Your knees have never gone higher. You look like a Native American yelling across the store "HEEL, TOE BITCHES! OH YEAH! I can really feel the fu*king support going from my arches down to the balls of my toes in these amazing vessels of orthopedic care! These are the ones Mom!"

You should be hit with -  Bilbo Baggins' feet

 

4. Taking the wrong piece of gum

While this may seem unimportant and petty, it is the most serious of all. When I have a half eaten pack of gum and out of the goodness of my heart I offer you a piece, take the correct one! When I say, "the correct one" I mean the next piece in order. I have clearly started eating the pieces beginning with the left side, so why would you decide to take the piece all the way to the right? You fu*ked my whole sequence and I don't even want this pack anymore.

You should be hit with - Just a plain old fist.

5. Giving your opinion on every preview

Everyone knows that the previews are the best part of the movie-going experience. But when you pop on your turtle neck and your glasses and magically turn into Roger Ebert, they are ruined. I don't need to know what you think about every preview and I especially don't need to know that you "haaave to see that!" You carry no weight in the film critic industry. I am certain of this.

You should be hit with - Roger Ebert's face. I will beat you with his face.

How was work today at the place where you work Pt. 2

This is the second installment of a series  called, "How was work today at the place where you work?" The post immediately below this one explains it in much more detail, but in short I'm basically going to devote a post to helping you find out if your friends thinks you do some horrible job, that you do not do for a living. Each post will talk about one terrible job. This post is about the terrible profession of being a.....

2. Cop
Being a cop has to be terrible. The only worse thing than being a party-pooper, is taking a paycheck for being a party-pooper, and in sum that is exactly what a cop does. It's like breaking your arm on a playground so you can't play anymore. Then giving money to the equipment that you got injured on. Obviously it isn't their fault that everything fun, is also illegal (speeding, not paying for meals, peeing in public, etc). But their job is to keep people from doing these fun things. Then they punish them. Then they get paid. How do they sleep at night? I hope it's with a gun under their pillow. Police Officers are probably the most disappointed group of jabrones ever. They must have grown up watching movies that showed cops kicking doors in, getting in gun fights, and helicopter chases. And what do they get? They work their butts off in the academy to finally graduate and find themselves directing traffic or walking old ladies across the street. Next they find themselves waking up 30 years later doing the exact same thing, but now there's a f*cking mustache on their face! You don't want to be a cop, and you don't want your friends to think you're a cop. Here's how to know if they do.

Sign #1- Every time they go to do something crazy and wild and fun, they leave you out. Either they think you're a cop and they don't want to get arrested, or they just don't like you that much.

What should you do? - If that's the case then your only hope is to get accepted into the police academy, graduate, become a cop, and arrest their asses! Ooooo weeee! Revenge is sweet.

Sign #2 - When you're going hog wild on some really good food, and they use the expression, "HE'S EATING THAT FOOD LIKE IT'S A DONUT!" They probably think you're an officer of the law.

What should you do? - Well if they said that, and you like donuts. Maybe they have some. It's a long shot but they might. Then again, that's a really dumb connection to make. Find smarter friends.

How was work today at the place where you work? Pt. 1

According to the adults that I've asked, schooling nerds, blogging, and snapping necks whilst cashing checks, are not actual jobs. So technically I don't have a job, but I do have friends and it would kind of suck if they didn't know what I did for a job. If I had one. Here, I'm going to give a few jobs that you hopefully don't have, but your friends may think you have. In the words of Doyle Lonnegan, "Ya Folla?"

1. Prostitution (I'm sixteen so please excuse my lack of knowledge of the prostitution world, if you continually find your self correcting my vocab in your head you might be a dirty hooker. In that case I can't help you.... Dirty Hooker.)

I think we can all agree that being a prostitute is just about as bad as it can get. That line of business subjects you to STD's, aggressive strangers, and Patrick Bateman. Just looking at one of those prostitutes can give you herpes simplex one, two, and three. If your friends think you have sex for money it says a lot about how shady you and your friends are. But I'm willing to look past all of that to help you see the signs.
Sign #1. If you do one of those "one night stands" with one of your friends, and you wake up to find money on your dresser. Your little friend probably thinks your a hooker.

What should you do?- I think it would be rude NOT to take the money.

Sign #2. If the subject of prostitution comes up in conversation and your friends keep replacing whore, hooker, bimbo, ho, and skank with more gentle nouns, like escort or street professional. Then they give you some encouraging or reassuring look or maybe a gentle pat on the back. They think you're a dirty little prostitute.

What should you do?- Just talk about prostitutes in the most condescending way possible. This will help convince your friends that you are not one of those people. Boom! You and your little dirty prostitute body just fooled those idiots. Find smarter friends.

Me = punk.

The Internet truly is one of the worst inventions ever. It is so terrible because it gives 15 year old boys like me the outlet to say whatever we want, to whomever we want, however we want and whenever we want. I hate myself for it. Normally I would never say any of these things that I write, in real life, but, this Internet thing makes everything seem less direct. Making it possible for me to be a litle punk. So please save yourself and stop reading this blog. Or don't take any of it seriously, your choice.

It's better if you just don't say anything.

Eight things you don't want to have to say after a one night stand. Simple as that nerds.

1. So I like all of your Jesus posters.
2. You look different than I remember... Much more manly... Like a man. Ok, wait, what's your name again? Ok, Brian? That's the problem. So listen Brian this was a mistake.
3. Wait, so if this isn't your house, and it isn't my house....
4. Sorry I pooped my pants last night. It was an accident.
5. Was this baby in the bed the whole night?
6. I think your cat was licking my toes last night, it was cute. Wait you don't have a cat?
7. I really enjoyed the "meet and greet" with your parents last night.
8. Can you remind what the ice pick is for again?


Eight things you don't want to hear after a one night stand.
1. You remember my fee right?
2. I can't wait to start our lives together.
3. 9:30?! Shit I missed algebra!
4. Would you like to stay for lunch? (mumbles) And two weeks after?
5. You got lucky with me. I have this thing called genius herpes.
Don't you mean genital herpes?
I'm not sure. Maybe. I'm kind of retarded.
6. I met your girlfriend. She seemed nice.
7. Are you hungry? I can ask my mom to make pancakes.
8. I'm so glad we filmed that.