How was work today at the place where you work? Pt. 1

According to the adults that I've asked, schooling nerds, blogging, and snapping necks whilst cashing checks, are not actual jobs. So technically I don't have a job, but I do have friends and it would kind of suck if they didn't know what I did for a job. If I had one. Here, I'm going to give a few jobs that you hopefully don't have, but your friends may think you have. In the words of Doyle Lonnegan, "Ya Folla?"

1. Prostitution (I'm sixteen so please excuse my lack of knowledge of the prostitution world, if you continually find your self correcting my vocab in your head you might be a dirty hooker. In that case I can't help you.... Dirty Hooker.)

I think we can all agree that being a prostitute is just about as bad as it can get. That line of business subjects you to STD's, aggressive strangers, and Patrick Bateman. Just looking at one of those prostitutes can give you herpes simplex one, two, and three. If your friends think you have sex for money it says a lot about how shady you and your friends are. But I'm willing to look past all of that to help you see the signs.
Sign #1. If you do one of those "one night stands" with one of your friends, and you wake up to find money on your dresser. Your little friend probably thinks your a hooker.

What should you do?- I think it would be rude NOT to take the money.

Sign #2. If the subject of prostitution comes up in conversation and your friends keep replacing whore, hooker, bimbo, ho, and skank with more gentle nouns, like escort or street professional. Then they give you some encouraging or reassuring look or maybe a gentle pat on the back. They think you're a dirty little prostitute.

What should you do?- Just talk about prostitutes in the most condescending way possible. This will help convince your friends that you are not one of those people. Boom! You and your little dirty prostitute body just fooled those idiots. Find smarter friends.

Inspired?

This post is sweet and simple and could cut to the core of any man. I'll be showing you pictures that appeared online after I searched "inspirational picture," then I will make some smart comment and you will laugh and tell your friends. Ok?

1.

"The poster's right guys, let's find a nice B&B and hunt Frodo in the morning."

Look at dem similarities!

2.

So everyone else knows NOT where to go, just in case the huge desert didn't tip them off already.

3.

Read more, be confused more.

4.

Ahh yes, oak, as in a f*cking ocean. Nice going dummy.

5.

This one helped me realize that I don't want Tom from myspace making my inspirational quotes. y@ d1g?!?!?!

Convincing Arguments for 9 of the Worst Things in the World

1. Drugs
Would you like to lose a few pounds..... and your children? If so then barbiturates are for you.

2. Killing
Overpopulation is a serious problem. Take it into your own hands and give murder a shot. It may just help.

3. Cheating
There are far too many lonely wonderful people out there who just want to be loved. When you think about it that way does adultery really sound that bad?

4.STD's
You've been dodging that routine doctors appointment for way too long. That mysterious itch is exactly what's going to get you in there.

5. Putting the Empty Cereal Box Back
I'm sure everyone would like to know what cereal we DID have.

6. Laziness
Save your energy for when there is actually something important to do.

7. Envy
I'm actually having a little trouble focusing right now. I'm so envious of the kid with the gameboy next to me I can hardly see straight. I feel dizzy... But uh, dizziness is fun. I mean, why do you think little kids spin around in circles until they drop. Envy: try it.

8. A Faulty Fire Alarm
Who cares if it's three in the morning. There's probably a fire somewhere.

9. Pride
A 97% is definitely better than an 89% on that English test. Of course he should take your tray up! What's wrong with having a little pride in your work?

But the cover says different.

The cover to a DVD is extremely important. It gives the viewer a glance into what the whole movie will be about. Well thankfully some movies have done this terribly, but as LeVar Burton would say, "Don't take my word for it." Let's have a look.

1. 8 Mile

Guess - Eminem stars in a cheaper remake of Memento?

Reality - Pill poppin Eminem schools a bunch of black folks.

2. The Da Vinci Code

Guess - Tom Hanks and his awful haircut refuse to meet you eyeline? (The proof is there)

SEE!?

Reality - Tom Hanks uncovers ancient mysteries... With his awful haircut.

3. Legally Blonde 2

Guess - No dogs are allowed in the Capitol. But she's ok with that?

Reality - I have no idea. I didn't watch it. Did you?

4. Knocked Up

Guess - Awkward Jewish guys?

Reality - Hey I was right!

5. The Matrix Reloaded

Guess - Finally leather trench coats become fashionable on Wall Street?

Reality - Much cooler than you could ever imagine.

I told you.

6. Runaway Bride

Guess - Julia Roberts decides to run a 5k. Also she brought her grandfather to watch?

Reality - OH MY GOD THATS GROSS!

Have your eyes puked yet?

Dumb name? Wait until you hear the story behind it.

Loads of new people are named after someone in particular. Usually someone the parents respect or like. But some kids have some god awful names.

1. Chase
"We weren't sure what to name him at first but decided on Chase around his third birthday. Boy that kid LOVED tag. But next Christmas he got a playstation. It's not legal yet, but we're calling him Sit."

2. Joe? Errr Tim....?
"We're not really sure what his name is. We're working on making a real one."

3. Bob
"I had him while I was bobbing for apples. I'm very sentimental."

4. Hercules
"If you would like to see a real model child our son Hercules is just the best. He is fantastic at absolutely everything. He is even great at being an only child. Oh wait, I guess he would be... The other one kind of ruined it."

He must have just forgot the speech bubbles.

What if Mr. Henny Penny had been in charge of creating speech bubbles for some of the worlds most praised paintings?

1. The Last Supper by Leonardo DaVinci

"Wait J.C. you didn't pee in the wine again did you?"

2. Nighthawks by Edward Hopper

"Listen Buddy I don't want any trouble, but the bar is closed!"

3. The Creation of Adam by Michelangelo

"I totally just rubbed my socks on the carpet for like an hour so maybe this isn't a good idea."

4. Drawing Hands by M.C. Escher

"Do you want your portrait done or not? Then sit still!"

Lunch notes for unwanted, unappreciated adopted children.

1.
Grocery list:
1. Milk
2. Eggs
3. Bread
4. Chicken Breast
5. Cereal

"Sorry Zach I guess I put the wrong note in your lunch. I coooould change it but I'm like really busy with mom stuff right now so maybe later."

2.
"Tell Timmy I said 'have a great lunch.' That boy is fantastic. I bet he never argues, or asks to stay up late or goes into his parents room in the middle of the night and says he is scared because there might be monsters under his bed! Seriously?! Monsters?! How dumb are you?"

3.
"I hope you enjoy school today...Bobby...?
That's your name right?"

4.
"So listen Derek, I forgot you had a severe peanut allergy so just don't eat the PB&J, or the the peanut butter granola bar, and don't dip your celery in the peanut butter. You can read all that right? I mean you are in pre-school."

5.
"Approximately 17% (or 12.5 million) of children and adolescents aged 2-19 are obese, and since 1980, obesity prevalence among children and adolescents has almost tripled. That's why you don't have a lunch!"