An Autobiography

When I tell my friends that I used to not be able to walk, they always say that I should write an autobiography about my struggles and overcoming that adversity. I thought it was a good idea, but for a long time I struggled coming up with an appropriate title. But I have finally settled on one, and this spring you'll be able to purchase, "My Time as an Infant" in most bookstores.

The Five Worst Action Figures Ever

1. Wonder Woman (re-imagined version)

Question: What is stronger than a full grown woman with a lasso, headband and boots?
Answer: A woman with a lasso, headband, boots, and the combined strength of a grown woman and fetus.
Ladies and germs. Pregnant Wonder Woman!

It's so real

2. Gay Bob

Gay Bob - "Did sthomeone sthay gay!?"

Person - "No Bob, none of us said gay"

Gay Bob - "Are you sthure? I could have sthworn I heard sthomeone sthay gay."

Person - "Positive."

Gay Bob - "Well I'm here anyway."

Let me Introduce Gay Bob. He has a perm, a gold necklace, and he is very gay.

3. American Action Hero, Jesus

This is great because I'm sure America stands for everything Jesus preached about. You know helping your neighbor, giving to God, and HOLY SHIT! IS THAT A GRENADE?

4. G.I. Joe

This particular G.I. Joe was one of the first ones made. 

Wait a minute, he looks like someone I know....

OH YEAH! It's Billy Mays!

Where's your pal Anthony Sullivan? I heard he had an amazing deal for me. What? Too Soon?

5. Flash

The Flash is great. He's probably one of my favorites. But there is something crucial missing on this early Flash action figure. 

It's the mask.

Without a mask there is no way to conceal his secret identity. This puts some limits on the amount of crime fighting possible.

He can't fight crime in his own neighborhood, or anywhere that there are cameras. 

He has quite a bit of downtime.

The Poop Post

At the very ripe, and impressionable age of 10, I stumbled upon a list on the internet. The list was of every kind of poop ever invented. It opened my world up, I was in love for the first time. Since then I have not been able to find the list again. I've tried searching for it on Google but I can't remember exactly what I searched. It was probably something close to "poop funny," or "good poop." These were the most evolved thoughts I had as a 10 year old. Poop, candy, and playing. All day every day. School, family, and friends were only obstacles in the way of entertaining these thoughts on a full time schedule.
Anyway as a tribute to the original "poop list" I have put together my own poop list. Some were taken from what I can remember of the list and some have been added by yours truly.
Enjoy.

1. Race Car Poopie
This is that kind of poop when the poop is in such a rush to get down the toilet that it leaves a skid mark in the bowl, similar to that of a race car's.

2. Invisible Poopie a.k.a. Hide-n-Seek Poopie
This is that kind of poop when you know you pooped, you felt it come out, you may have even heard it. But when you look in the toilet. BOOOOM! it's gone.

Little known fact; the poop is actually just hiding in the tube

 3. Magician Poopie
This is that kind of poop when you definitely pooped. You heard it, you felt it, and now you even see it. BUT, when you wipe there is nothing on the toilet paper. How does he do it? magic!

4. Linkin Log Poopie
This is that kind of poop that is so long you are actually scared to flush it down because it might break the toilet, so you start chopping it up into smaller pieces with that brush that cleans the toilet.

5. Sideways Poopie
This is that kind of poop that hurts so bad you could swear it's coming out sideways.

6. Cannonball Poopie
This is that kind of poop that splashes your bottom when it hits the water. It's like that one friend that gets in the cold water before everyone else and insists it isn't that cold by splashing you and your friends. Jerk.

7. Indecisive Poopie
This is that kind of poop that cannot decide if it wants to be a poop or a fart. Most times you end up just sitting on the toilet farting your brains out trying to poop, because let's face it, poops are better than farts. But don't tell farts that.
Farts: "Your not better'n me."

8. The Never Ending Poopie, Poopie
This is that kind of poop that sticks out of the water and disappears down the whole. Measuring it's length is impossible so it turns into a Linkin Log Poopie.

They turned this into a children's book and it was only like 10 pages. What nerve!?

5 Everyday Things That Would Justify Me Hitting You In The Face

1. Beginning your sentences with "honestly..."
Oh God, thank you for finally being honest with me. Up until now I had assumed everything you said was a lie. But now I can sleep easier knowing that, "honestly you don't remember who the host of Reading Rainbow was." See when I usually ask you a question I'm banking on you telling me a lie.

You should be hit with - Lying For Dummies

By the way it was Levar Burton Dumb a**

2. Rubbing the bar of soap on your body

Once you start lathering your gross body with the ENTIRE bar of soap you aren't rubbing soap on your skin anymore, you are rubbing your filth onto the soap. Now I have to use that same bar to try to clean myself. It's like you want your dirt on me. Instead of transferring your grime onto me via transitive property through the soap, just put it right on me. You don't see mothers at the local pool squirting sunscreen onto their belly, then rubbing their children all over themselves. Cut out the middle man.

You should be hit with - Soap in a towel. Full Metal Jacket style.

3. Altering your walk in the shoe store.

I love seeing you at the Foot Locker with your mom trying on the newest Sketchers for you delicate feetsies. You look like you suddenly became a professional walker. Your knees have never gone higher. You look like a Native American yelling across the store "HEEL, TOE BITCHES! OH YEAH! I can really feel the fu*king support going from my arches down to the balls of my toes in these amazing vessels of orthopedic care! These are the ones Mom!"

You should be hit with -  Bilbo Baggins' feet

 

4. Taking the wrong piece of gum

While this may seem unimportant and petty, it is the most serious of all. When I have a half eaten pack of gum and out of the goodness of my heart I offer you a piece, take the correct one! When I say, "the correct one" I mean the next piece in order. I have clearly started eating the pieces beginning with the left side, so why would you decide to take the piece all the way to the right? You fu*ked my whole sequence and I don't even want this pack anymore.

You should be hit with - Just a plain old fist.

5. Giving your opinion on every preview

Everyone knows that the previews are the best part of the movie-going experience. But when you pop on your turtle neck and your glasses and magically turn into Roger Ebert, they are ruined. I don't need to know what you think about every preview and I especially don't need to know that you "haaave to see that!" You carry no weight in the film critic industry. I am certain of this.

You should be hit with - Roger Ebert's face. I will beat you with his face.

The Worst Movie Lines Ever

#1 - Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2

My reaction - That's why I don't do the garbage at my house.

#2 - Shark Attack 3

My reaction - Someone had the nerve to make numbers 1 and 2 before this?

#3 - Mortal Combat Annihilation

My reaction - Beautiful. Just beautiful.

#4 - Tough Guys Don't Dance

 My reaction - Oh man Oh god!

#5 - Enter The Ninja

My reaction - I really enjoyed his "what happened" face at the end.

How was work today at the place where you work Pt. 2

This is the second installment of a series  called, "How was work today at the place where you work?" The post immediately below this one explains it in much more detail, but in short I'm basically going to devote a post to helping you find out if your friends thinks you do some horrible job, that you do not do for a living. Each post will talk about one terrible job. This post is about the terrible profession of being a.....

2. Cop
Being a cop has to be terrible. The only worse thing than being a party-pooper, is taking a paycheck for being a party-pooper, and in sum that is exactly what a cop does. It's like breaking your arm on a playground so you can't play anymore. Then giving money to the equipment that you got injured on. Obviously it isn't their fault that everything fun, is also illegal (speeding, not paying for meals, peeing in public, etc). But their job is to keep people from doing these fun things. Then they punish them. Then they get paid. How do they sleep at night? I hope it's with a gun under their pillow. Police Officers are probably the most disappointed group of jabrones ever. They must have grown up watching movies that showed cops kicking doors in, getting in gun fights, and helicopter chases. And what do they get? They work their butts off in the academy to finally graduate and find themselves directing traffic or walking old ladies across the street. Next they find themselves waking up 30 years later doing the exact same thing, but now there's a f*cking mustache on their face! You don't want to be a cop, and you don't want your friends to think you're a cop. Here's how to know if they do.

Sign #1- Every time they go to do something crazy and wild and fun, they leave you out. Either they think you're a cop and they don't want to get arrested, or they just don't like you that much.

What should you do? - If that's the case then your only hope is to get accepted into the police academy, graduate, become a cop, and arrest their asses! Ooooo weeee! Revenge is sweet.

Sign #2 - When you're going hog wild on some really good food, and they use the expression, "HE'S EATING THAT FOOD LIKE IT'S A DONUT!" They probably think you're an officer of the law.

What should you do? - Well if they said that, and you like donuts. Maybe they have some. It's a long shot but they might. Then again, that's a really dumb connection to make. Find smarter friends.

How was work today at the place where you work? Pt. 1

According to the adults that I've asked, schooling nerds, blogging, and snapping necks whilst cashing checks, are not actual jobs. So technically I don't have a job, but I do have friends and it would kind of suck if they didn't know what I did for a job. If I had one. Here, I'm going to give a few jobs that you hopefully don't have, but your friends may think you have. In the words of Doyle Lonnegan, "Ya Folla?"

1. Prostitution (I'm sixteen so please excuse my lack of knowledge of the prostitution world, if you continually find your self correcting my vocab in your head you might be a dirty hooker. In that case I can't help you.... Dirty Hooker.)

I think we can all agree that being a prostitute is just about as bad as it can get. That line of business subjects you to STD's, aggressive strangers, and Patrick Bateman. Just looking at one of those prostitutes can give you herpes simplex one, two, and three. If your friends think you have sex for money it says a lot about how shady you and your friends are. But I'm willing to look past all of that to help you see the signs.
Sign #1. If you do one of those "one night stands" with one of your friends, and you wake up to find money on your dresser. Your little friend probably thinks your a hooker.

What should you do?- I think it would be rude NOT to take the money.

Sign #2. If the subject of prostitution comes up in conversation and your friends keep replacing whore, hooker, bimbo, ho, and skank with more gentle nouns, like escort or street professional. Then they give you some encouraging or reassuring look or maybe a gentle pat on the back. They think you're a dirty little prostitute.

What should you do?- Just talk about prostitutes in the most condescending way possible. This will help convince your friends that you are not one of those people. Boom! You and your little dirty prostitute body just fooled those idiots. Find smarter friends.