Stay away from my club soda!

Every time I go to a restaurant, and let me tell you I go to a lot of restaurants, I always want the same thing. I'm a pretty simple guy, I like simple things, you know? Collecting wicker furniture, sewing onesies, ramen and peas. So I just want to chow down on a big old bowl of ramen and peas and a pitcher of club soda. They read me the specials, and I wait for it. I'm literally whispering, "ramen and peas" under my breath, but I never hear it. So of course I have to ask. Restaurants never have ramen and most don't have pitchers of soda either, or at least not ones they're willing to give to a single person. I just like to refill my own drink okay? Anyone could spit in club soda. It's club soda, it's clear, just like spit. Or pee! If the pee-er is really hydrated, and here's how to stay hydrated. Rule number one: drink drink drink. Rule number two: drink drink drink drink. Rule number three: stay away from vitamins. They make your pee look really yellow. I'm talkin neon yellow. Rule number four: don't eat asparagus. It won't make you dehydrated but it will make your pee pee smell like crap, and then the jig is up because they're on to you. Anyways please let me know If you come across a restaurant that serves ramen with baby peas mixed up in it.

Weekend hotel review

This past weekend I decided to get away for awhile. You know just stay at a bed and breakfast somewhere and enjoy myself. So I finally found this very quaint little place with themed bedrooms. When I checked in the lady at the desk asked me which room I would like to stay in? After looking over the list of themed rooms I decided on the theme "night." I thought it would be peaceful and calm, maybe some glow in the dark stars on the ceiling, or perhaps a recording of crickets chirping. Sounds good doesn't it? But after looking into it a little more I realized it didn't come with electricity, you couldn't check in until midnight and you had to be gone by sunrise. The brochure said those exact words. "Gone by sunrise." So after rethinking my choice I decided to go with the theme day/evening/night/morning. This was just a blank room. It also didn't come with electricity but there were a ton of windows. So out of five stars I would like to give the "Realistic Themes Bed and Breakfast Inn," one star.

lunch surprise nuckaaaa

This is the story of Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson. Mrs. Johnson was a simple woman who lived on her lonesome in a cute little house on Chestnut st. She loved her house more than anything because it was all she had. She had no kids or husband. The one fateful day the city ordered her to move out of her house so they could bulldoze it to make way for a new shopping mall. The very next day a team of construction workers came to kick her old ass out and knock down her house. She had no choice, she had to leave. But Mrs. Johnson never forgot their faces. Months later, when Mrs. Johnson was homeless and living on the streets in town she saw those same construction workers re-building the court house. So this is what she did. She mosied on over to the big old oak tree where the workers had sat their lunches down. They put them under the tree to keep them cool, of course. Smart. So Mrs. Johnson took every single lunch behind the courthouse building and pooped inside all of their sandwiches, and guess what! They ate 'em.