Stay away from my club soda!

Every time I go to a restaurant, and let me tell you I go to a lot of restaurants, I always want the same thing. I'm a pretty simple guy, I like simple things, you know? Collecting wicker furniture, sewing onesies, ramen and peas. So I just want to chow down on a big old bowl of ramen and peas and a pitcher of club soda. They read me the specials, and I wait for it. I'm literally whispering, "ramen and peas" under my breath, but I never hear it. So of course I have to ask. Restaurants never have ramen and most don't have pitchers of soda either, or at least not ones they're willing to give to a single person. I just like to refill my own drink okay? Anyone could spit in club soda. It's club soda, it's clear, just like spit. Or pee! If the pee-er is really hydrated, and here's how to stay hydrated. Rule number one: drink drink drink. Rule number two: drink drink drink drink. Rule number three: stay away from vitamins. They make your pee look really yellow. I'm talkin neon yellow. Rule number four: don't eat asparagus. It won't make you dehydrated but it will make your pee pee smell like crap, and then the jig is up because they're on to you. Anyways please let me know If you come across a restaurant that serves ramen with baby peas mixed up in it.