He must have just forgot the speech bubbles.

What if Mr. Henny Penny had been in charge of creating speech bubbles for some of the worlds most praised paintings?

1. The Last Supper by Leonardo DaVinci

"Wait J.C. you didn't pee in the wine again did you?"

2. Nighthawks by Edward Hopper

"Listen Buddy I don't want any trouble, but the bar is closed!"

3. The Creation of Adam by Michelangelo

"I totally just rubbed my socks on the carpet for like an hour so maybe this isn't a good idea."

4. Drawing Hands by M.C. Escher

"Do you want your portrait done or not? Then sit still!"

Lunch notes for unwanted, unappreciated adopted children.

1.
Grocery list:
1. Milk
2. Eggs
3. Bread
4. Chicken Breast
5. Cereal

"Sorry Zach I guess I put the wrong note in your lunch. I coooould change it but I'm like really busy with mom stuff right now so maybe later."

2.
"Tell Timmy I said 'have a great lunch.' That boy is fantastic. I bet he never argues, or asks to stay up late or goes into his parents room in the middle of the night and says he is scared because there might be monsters under his bed! Seriously?! Monsters?! How dumb are you?"

3.
"I hope you enjoy school today...Bobby...?
That's your name right?"

4.
"So listen Derek, I forgot you had a severe peanut allergy so just don't eat the PB&J, or the the peanut butter granola bar, and don't dip your celery in the peanut butter. You can read all that right? I mean you are in pre-school."

5.
"Approximately 17% (or 12.5 million) of children and adolescents aged 2-19 are obese, and since 1980, obesity prevalence among children and adolescents has almost tripled. That's why you don't have a lunch!"

If you have an ad that you think is good. It isn't

1. Schick Quattro
If you buy our product we will give you five hundred dollars! Oh wait. I mean a trip to the beach and a huge ass floppy hat. Thats what women want!

This is how the conversation went in the board room.

Johnson - How about we have specially marked packages that could entitle the owner to five hundred dollars.

Smith -  That could work. How should we advertise this. A big picture of money? A full wallet? What?

Johnson - No, what if we throw them for a loop and have a picture of a woman on a beach.

Smith - That might work.

Johnson - No I'm not done. Then, just for the hell of it, we have to include a big floppy hat!

Smith - You lost me.

2. PlaySkool Tape Recorder
The Playskool Tape Recorder will have your young son fighting to sing. Or he'll be constipated. I honestly can't tell.

1.Why the boxing gloves?
2.Why does he have bandages on? In the advertisment it tells us that the recorder is "unbreakable." Once I put the two together I just assumed the product designers tested its durability by beating this child up with the actual toy. Thats normal right?

2. The Betty Crocker Easy-Bake Oven
Used around the world by little children... Hitler Youth children that is.

In the paragraphs below the picture it describes the product, and in the description it says the oven bakes with two ordinary light bulbs. I have a story to describe the cooking powers of light bulbs. When I was about eight years old I got those sticky stars that you could put on your ceiling at night and they would glow. In the directions it told me to place the star in direct light for one day so it could glow. Me being the a.d.d. genius I was I said "F*ck that! Im putting this b*tch ON the lightbulb!" So I did. Soon after I forgot it was there. The star actually melted onto the bulb itself. But here's the catch. It took THREE weeks to melt completely. Three weeks sitting on the bulb being turned on most of the day. So to Mrs. Betty Crocker, unless you want me eating slightly warmed cupcake batter, waiting months for it to bake, or to not buy your product at all? Get some Mutha nuckin fire power up in there!

It's not that simple.

There are never just good and bad movies, good movies are separated into many different sub-groups. Just for your pleasure I decided to list and describe my ranking system of good movies simply because it's I'm not doing anything and your mother is so good to me.

1. Awesome movies - Awesome movies could usually also be referred to as "bro" movies. These are movies with tons of action and shooting and usually a scene where the main character walks away from an explosion in slow-mo but doesn't flinch or look back.
Ex. Lord of the rings (any of the three), scorpion king, the rundown...

2. Funny movies - Good funny movies are simply the best funny movies. Bonus points are awarded for casts including Will Ferrel, John C. Reilly, Seth Rogen or directed by Judd Apatow. These movies usually aren't well directed but they will make you poop "Lols."
Ex. Step Brpthers, Pineapple Express, Anchorman, Talladega Knights...

3. Great movies - These movies are the ones that win all the Oscars. They are usually much more serious and have serious, good actors and actresses. Actors like Marlon Brando and Robert DeNiro, people that actually study film and stuff like that. These movies are for a more mature audience because of sometimes confusing plot lines but in the end they will make you either think or cry. Every once in a while a movie can barely be in this category and barely be in the funny category. These are wildcards like The Princess Bride.
Ex. Michael Clayton, The Godfather, Raging Bull...

Me = punk.

The Internet truly is one of the worst inventions ever. It is so terrible because it gives 15 year old boys like me the outlet to say whatever we want, to whomever we want, however we want and whenever we want. I hate myself for it. Normally I would never say any of these things that I write, in real life, but, this Internet thing makes everything seem less direct. Making it possible for me to be a litle punk. So please save yourself and stop reading this blog. Or don't take any of it seriously, your choice.

It's better if you just don't say anything.

Eight things you don't want to have to say after a one night stand. Simple as that nerds.

1. So I like all of your Jesus posters.
2. You look different than I remember... Much more manly... Like a man. Ok, wait, what's your name again? Ok, Brian? That's the problem. So listen Brian this was a mistake.
3. Wait, so if this isn't your house, and it isn't my house....
4. Sorry I pooped my pants last night. It was an accident.
5. Was this baby in the bed the whole night?
6. I think your cat was licking my toes last night, it was cute. Wait you don't have a cat?
7. I really enjoyed the "meet and greet" with your parents last night.
8. Can you remind what the ice pick is for again?


Eight things you don't want to hear after a one night stand.
1. You remember my fee right?
2. I can't wait to start our lives together.
3. 9:30?! Shit I missed algebra!
4. Would you like to stay for lunch? (mumbles) And two weeks after?
5. You got lucky with me. I have this thing called genius herpes.
Don't you mean genital herpes?
I'm not sure. Maybe. I'm kind of retarded.
6. I met your girlfriend. She seemed nice.
7. Are you hungry? I can ask my mom to make pancakes.
8. I'm so glad we filmed that.

Water, batteries and important appointments.

It seemed appropriate to give some guidance to those going through the flood right now, so I put together a list of five things that can possibly save your life.

1. Do: Steal stuff.
2. Say (out loud in a crowded area): OH GEE I could have sworn I turned the water off! (people love that one)
3. Do: Offer to help people clean up after the flood. This is usually a great opportunity to see what kind of crazy things people have that you might want.
4. Think: I better not miss my appointment at Chuck E Cheeses!
5. Do: Don't miss your damn Chuck E Cheese appointment!

If you do, say and think these main five things you're set.