Stay away from my club soda!

Every time I go to a restaurant, and let me tell you I go to a lot of restaurants, I always want the same thing. I'm a pretty simple guy, I like simple things, you know? Collecting wicker furniture, sewing onesies, ramen and peas. So I just want to chow down on a big old bowl of ramen and peas and a pitcher of club soda. They read me the specials, and I wait for it. I'm literally whispering, "ramen and peas" under my breath, but I never hear it. So of course I have to ask. Restaurants never have ramen and most don't have pitchers of soda either, or at least not ones they're willing to give to a single person. I just like to refill my own drink okay? Anyone could spit in club soda. It's club soda, it's clear, just like spit. Or pee! If the pee-er is really hydrated, and here's how to stay hydrated. Rule number one: drink drink drink. Rule number two: drink drink drink drink. Rule number three: stay away from vitamins. They make your pee look really yellow. I'm talkin neon yellow. Rule number four: don't eat asparagus. It won't make you dehydrated but it will make your pee pee smell like crap, and then the jig is up because they're on to you. Anyways please let me know If you come across a restaurant that serves ramen with baby peas mixed up in it.

Do you like inception?

I liked Inception but just not nearly as much as everyone told me I would. At this point I have had one too many stoners tell me "dude you need to get baked and watch this movie." But this rant isn't really about Inception. It's mainly about stoners and my theory on them. Stoners LOVE to tell you how great it is to get high and do pretty much about anything. "Dude you need to get high and watch this YouTube video, you need to get high and listen to this song, you need to get high and read In Cold Blood." Don't tell me what I need to do, I'm a grown-ass woman. My theory on stoners is that they aren't stoners first then nerds who tell you to do nerdy things like watch this YouTube video, listen to this song, read In Cold Blood. They are nerds who become stoners because they need an excuse for their absurd behavior. Nobody in their right mind would decide to do something like watch Barney while listening to coldplay, so become a stoner, problem solved right? "dude I fell in love with this terrible band and we all know Barney sucks but I can't stop watching! Ahh, fuck it let's go get high." d000d that is a sweet idea and a great excuse.

I'm polite. Now can I borrow your scissors.

Let's get this straight. I love company. I just love having people over to my house. But I hate being company because I always have such bad luck with it. Every time I go over to someone's house the exact same thing happens within the first few seconds I walk through the door. People always say "go ahead, take your socks and shoes off." WHAT? How the hell am I supposed to do that?! Don't you know it's impossible to take your socks off before your shoes? But I try to be polite as I can, and what do I get for it? A bunch of socks cut up with scissors. What do you think I'm made of sock money? Or socks for that matter?

Weekend hotel review

This past weekend I decided to get away for awhile. You know just stay at a bed and breakfast somewhere and enjoy myself. So I finally found this very quaint little place with themed bedrooms. When I checked in the lady at the desk asked me which room I would like to stay in? After looking over the list of themed rooms I decided on the theme "night." I thought it would be peaceful and calm, maybe some glow in the dark stars on the ceiling, or perhaps a recording of crickets chirping. Sounds good doesn't it? But after looking into it a little more I realized it didn't come with electricity, you couldn't check in until midnight and you had to be gone by sunrise. The brochure said those exact words. "Gone by sunrise." So after rethinking my choice I decided to go with the theme day/evening/night/morning. This was just a blank room. It also didn't come with electricity but there were a ton of windows. So out of five stars I would like to give the "Realistic Themes Bed and Breakfast Inn," one star.

happy valentine's day to me. yeah, right!

soo i woke up this morning and i was in a good mood. i RAN to the answering machine to see if i got a message from my girlfriend but of course that little slut didn't even call to wish me a happy valentine's day. hello, it's august 7th aka valentine's day, you bitch. i'm gonna break up with her.

How and why I will beat up your honors student

I hate those stupid "my child is an honors student" stickers. But I'm taking it to a whole new level by hating the honors student and their parents themselves. But saying it isn't enough for me. No. I will hunt down and murder everyone who bears a "my child is an honors student" sticker. Yes, you heard me correctly. Murder, and I'll tell you why. Because nobody really cares that your 12 year old son Derek is an honors student at some mediocre suburban school. That is not an accomplishment. And what kind of parent would put the sticker on their car. If the sticker said "my son is an honors student, and I can punch a hole through your soul" I would understand completely, but they don't. In fact they might as well say "my child is an honors student, and I haven't really done much lately except get higher cholesterol and watch late night re-runs." So now I'll get to the part where I kill them all. I think I should do this by cutting their heads off with my kick-ass ninja sword ,that you can clearly see exists in my profile picture. Then after that I don't really know what I'll do. Perhaps polish my various trophies and medals. (Clearly I'm a winner)
The end.

lunch surprise nuckaaaa

This is the story of Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson. Mrs. Johnson was a simple woman who lived on her lonesome in a cute little house on Chestnut st. She loved her house more than anything because it was all she had. She had no kids or husband. The one fateful day the city ordered her to move out of her house so they could bulldoze it to make way for a new shopping mall. The very next day a team of construction workers came to kick her old ass out and knock down her house. She had no choice, she had to leave. But Mrs. Johnson never forgot their faces. Months later, when Mrs. Johnson was homeless and living on the streets in town she saw those same construction workers re-building the court house. So this is what she did. She mosied on over to the big old oak tree where the workers had sat their lunches down. They put them under the tree to keep them cool, of course. Smart. So Mrs. Johnson took every single lunch behind the courthouse building and pooped inside all of their sandwiches, and guess what! They ate 'em.