An Autobiography

When I tell my friends that I used to not be able to walk, they always say that I should write an autobiography about my struggles and overcoming that adversity. I thought it was a good idea, but for a long time I struggled coming up with an appropriate title. But I have finally settled on one, and this spring you'll be able to purchase, "My Time as an Infant" in most bookstores.

The Five Worst Action Figures Ever

1. Wonder Woman (re-imagined version)

Question: What is stronger than a full grown woman with a lasso, headband and boots?
Answer: A woman with a lasso, headband, boots, and the combined strength of a grown woman and fetus.
Ladies and germs. Pregnant Wonder Woman!

It's so real

2. Gay Bob

Gay Bob - "Did sthomeone sthay gay!?"

Person - "No Bob, none of us said gay"

Gay Bob - "Are you sthure? I could have sthworn I heard sthomeone sthay gay."

Person - "Positive."

Gay Bob - "Well I'm here anyway."

Let me Introduce Gay Bob. He has a perm, a gold necklace, and he is very gay.

3. American Action Hero, Jesus

This is great because I'm sure America stands for everything Jesus preached about. You know helping your neighbor, giving to God, and HOLY SHIT! IS THAT A GRENADE?

4. G.I. Joe

This particular G.I. Joe was one of the first ones made. 

Wait a minute, he looks like someone I know....

OH YEAH! It's Billy Mays!

Where's your pal Anthony Sullivan? I heard he had an amazing deal for me. What? Too Soon?

5. Flash

The Flash is great. He's probably one of my favorites. But there is something crucial missing on this early Flash action figure. 

It's the mask.

Without a mask there is no way to conceal his secret identity. This puts some limits on the amount of crime fighting possible.

He can't fight crime in his own neighborhood, or anywhere that there are cameras. 

He has quite a bit of downtime.

The Poop Post

At the very ripe, and impressionable age of 10, I stumbled upon a list on the internet. The list was of every kind of poop ever invented. It opened my world up, I was in love for the first time. Since then I have not been able to find the list again. I've tried searching for it on Google but I can't remember exactly what I searched. It was probably something close to "poop funny," or "good poop." These were the most evolved thoughts I had as a 10 year old. Poop, candy, and playing. All day every day. School, family, and friends were only obstacles in the way of entertaining these thoughts on a full time schedule.
Anyway as a tribute to the original "poop list" I have put together my own poop list. Some were taken from what I can remember of the list and some have been added by yours truly.
Enjoy.

1. Race Car Poopie
This is that kind of poop when the poop is in such a rush to get down the toilet that it leaves a skid mark in the bowl, similar to that of a race car's.

2. Invisible Poopie a.k.a. Hide-n-Seek Poopie
This is that kind of poop when you know you pooped, you felt it come out, you may have even heard it. But when you look in the toilet. BOOOOM! it's gone.

Little known fact; the poop is actually just hiding in the tube

 3. Magician Poopie
This is that kind of poop when you definitely pooped. You heard it, you felt it, and now you even see it. BUT, when you wipe there is nothing on the toilet paper. How does he do it? magic!

4. Linkin Log Poopie
This is that kind of poop that is so long you are actually scared to flush it down because it might break the toilet, so you start chopping it up into smaller pieces with that brush that cleans the toilet.

5. Sideways Poopie
This is that kind of poop that hurts so bad you could swear it's coming out sideways.

6. Cannonball Poopie
This is that kind of poop that splashes your bottom when it hits the water. It's like that one friend that gets in the cold water before everyone else and insists it isn't that cold by splashing you and your friends. Jerk.

7. Indecisive Poopie
This is that kind of poop that cannot decide if it wants to be a poop or a fart. Most times you end up just sitting on the toilet farting your brains out trying to poop, because let's face it, poops are better than farts. But don't tell farts that.
Farts: "Your not better'n me."

8. The Never Ending Poopie, Poopie
This is that kind of poop that sticks out of the water and disappears down the whole. Measuring it's length is impossible so it turns into a Linkin Log Poopie.

They turned this into a children's book and it was only like 10 pages. What nerve!?

5 Everyday Things That Would Justify Me Hitting You In The Face

1. Beginning your sentences with "honestly..."
Oh God, thank you for finally being honest with me. Up until now I had assumed everything you said was a lie. But now I can sleep easier knowing that, "honestly you don't remember who the host of Reading Rainbow was." See when I usually ask you a question I'm banking on you telling me a lie.

You should be hit with - Lying For Dummies

By the way it was Levar Burton Dumb a**

2. Rubbing the bar of soap on your body

Once you start lathering your gross body with the ENTIRE bar of soap you aren't rubbing soap on your skin anymore, you are rubbing your filth onto the soap. Now I have to use that same bar to try to clean myself. It's like you want your dirt on me. Instead of transferring your grime onto me via transitive property through the soap, just put it right on me. You don't see mothers at the local pool squirting sunscreen onto their belly, then rubbing their children all over themselves. Cut out the middle man.

You should be hit with - Soap in a towel. Full Metal Jacket style.

3. Altering your walk in the shoe store.

I love seeing you at the Foot Locker with your mom trying on the newest Sketchers for you delicate feetsies. You look like you suddenly became a professional walker. Your knees have never gone higher. You look like a Native American yelling across the store "HEEL, TOE BITCHES! OH YEAH! I can really feel the fu*king support going from my arches down to the balls of my toes in these amazing vessels of orthopedic care! These are the ones Mom!"

You should be hit with -  Bilbo Baggins' feet

 

4. Taking the wrong piece of gum

While this may seem unimportant and petty, it is the most serious of all. When I have a half eaten pack of gum and out of the goodness of my heart I offer you a piece, take the correct one! When I say, "the correct one" I mean the next piece in order. I have clearly started eating the pieces beginning with the left side, so why would you decide to take the piece all the way to the right? You fu*ked my whole sequence and I don't even want this pack anymore.

You should be hit with - Just a plain old fist.

5. Giving your opinion on every preview

Everyone knows that the previews are the best part of the movie-going experience. But when you pop on your turtle neck and your glasses and magically turn into Roger Ebert, they are ruined. I don't need to know what you think about every preview and I especially don't need to know that you "haaave to see that!" You carry no weight in the film critic industry. I am certain of this.

You should be hit with - Roger Ebert's face. I will beat you with his face.

The Worst Movie Lines Ever

#1 - Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2

My reaction - That's why I don't do the garbage at my house.

#2 - Shark Attack 3

My reaction - Someone had the nerve to make numbers 1 and 2 before this?

#3 - Mortal Combat Annihilation

My reaction - Beautiful. Just beautiful.

#4 - Tough Guys Don't Dance

 My reaction - Oh man Oh god!

#5 - Enter The Ninja

My reaction - I really enjoyed his "what happened" face at the end.

How was work today at the place where you work Pt. 2

This is the second installment of a series  called, "How was work today at the place where you work?" The post immediately below this one explains it in much more detail, but in short I'm basically going to devote a post to helping you find out if your friends thinks you do some horrible job, that you do not do for a living. Each post will talk about one terrible job. This post is about the terrible profession of being a.....

2. Cop
Being a cop has to be terrible. The only worse thing than being a party-pooper, is taking a paycheck for being a party-pooper, and in sum that is exactly what a cop does. It's like breaking your arm on a playground so you can't play anymore. Then giving money to the equipment that you got injured on. Obviously it isn't their fault that everything fun, is also illegal (speeding, not paying for meals, peeing in public, etc). But their job is to keep people from doing these fun things. Then they punish them. Then they get paid. How do they sleep at night? I hope it's with a gun under their pillow. Police Officers are probably the most disappointed group of jabrones ever. They must have grown up watching movies that showed cops kicking doors in, getting in gun fights, and helicopter chases. And what do they get? They work their butts off in the academy to finally graduate and find themselves directing traffic or walking old ladies across the street. Next they find themselves waking up 30 years later doing the exact same thing, but now there's a f*cking mustache on their face! You don't want to be a cop, and you don't want your friends to think you're a cop. Here's how to know if they do.

Sign #1- Every time they go to do something crazy and wild and fun, they leave you out. Either they think you're a cop and they don't want to get arrested, or they just don't like you that much.

What should you do? - If that's the case then your only hope is to get accepted into the police academy, graduate, become a cop, and arrest their asses! Ooooo weeee! Revenge is sweet.

Sign #2 - When you're going hog wild on some really good food, and they use the expression, "HE'S EATING THAT FOOD LIKE IT'S A DONUT!" They probably think you're an officer of the law.

What should you do? - Well if they said that, and you like donuts. Maybe they have some. It's a long shot but they might. Then again, that's a really dumb connection to make. Find smarter friends.

How was work today at the place where you work? Pt. 1

According to the adults that I've asked, schooling nerds, blogging, and snapping necks whilst cashing checks, are not actual jobs. So technically I don't have a job, but I do have friends and it would kind of suck if they didn't know what I did for a job. If I had one. Here, I'm going to give a few jobs that you hopefully don't have, but your friends may think you have. In the words of Doyle Lonnegan, "Ya Folla?"

1. Prostitution (I'm sixteen so please excuse my lack of knowledge of the prostitution world, if you continually find your self correcting my vocab in your head you might be a dirty hooker. In that case I can't help you.... Dirty Hooker.)

I think we can all agree that being a prostitute is just about as bad as it can get. That line of business subjects you to STD's, aggressive strangers, and Patrick Bateman. Just looking at one of those prostitutes can give you herpes simplex one, two, and three. If your friends think you have sex for money it says a lot about how shady you and your friends are. But I'm willing to look past all of that to help you see the signs.
Sign #1. If you do one of those "one night stands" with one of your friends, and you wake up to find money on your dresser. Your little friend probably thinks your a hooker.

What should you do?- I think it would be rude NOT to take the money.

Sign #2. If the subject of prostitution comes up in conversation and your friends keep replacing whore, hooker, bimbo, ho, and skank with more gentle nouns, like escort or street professional. Then they give you some encouraging or reassuring look or maybe a gentle pat on the back. They think you're a dirty little prostitute.

What should you do?- Just talk about prostitutes in the most condescending way possible. This will help convince your friends that you are not one of those people. Boom! You and your little dirty prostitute body just fooled those idiots. Find smarter friends.

Inspired?

This post is sweet and simple and could cut to the core of any man. I'll be showing you pictures that appeared online after I searched "inspirational picture," then I will make some smart comment and you will laugh and tell your friends. Ok?

1.

"The poster's right guys, let's find a nice B&B and hunt Frodo in the morning."

Look at dem similarities!

2.

So everyone else knows NOT where to go, just in case the huge desert didn't tip them off already.

3.

Read more, be confused more.

4.

Ahh yes, oak, as in a f*cking ocean. Nice going dummy.

5.

This one helped me realize that I don't want Tom from myspace making my inspirational quotes. y@ d1g?!?!?!

Convincing Arguments for 9 of the Worst Things in the World

1. Drugs
Would you like to lose a few pounds..... and your children? If so then barbiturates are for you.

2. Killing
Overpopulation is a serious problem. Take it into your own hands and give murder a shot. It may just help.

3. Cheating
There are far too many lonely wonderful people out there who just want to be loved. When you think about it that way does adultery really sound that bad?

4.STD's
You've been dodging that routine doctors appointment for way too long. That mysterious itch is exactly what's going to get you in there.

5. Putting the Empty Cereal Box Back
I'm sure everyone would like to know what cereal we DID have.

6. Laziness
Save your energy for when there is actually something important to do.

7. Envy
I'm actually having a little trouble focusing right now. I'm so envious of the kid with the gameboy next to me I can hardly see straight. I feel dizzy... But uh, dizziness is fun. I mean, why do you think little kids spin around in circles until they drop. Envy: try it.

8. A Faulty Fire Alarm
Who cares if it's three in the morning. There's probably a fire somewhere.

9. Pride
A 97% is definitely better than an 89% on that English test. Of course he should take your tray up! What's wrong with having a little pride in your work?

But the cover says different.

The cover to a DVD is extremely important. It gives the viewer a glance into what the whole movie will be about. Well thankfully some movies have done this terribly, but as LeVar Burton would say, "Don't take my word for it." Let's have a look.

1. 8 Mile

Guess - Eminem stars in a cheaper remake of Memento?

Reality - Pill poppin Eminem schools a bunch of black folks.

2. The Da Vinci Code

Guess - Tom Hanks and his awful haircut refuse to meet you eyeline? (The proof is there)

SEE!?

Reality - Tom Hanks uncovers ancient mysteries... With his awful haircut.

3. Legally Blonde 2

Guess - No dogs are allowed in the Capitol. But she's ok with that?

Reality - I have no idea. I didn't watch it. Did you?

4. Knocked Up

Guess - Awkward Jewish guys?

Reality - Hey I was right!

5. The Matrix Reloaded

Guess - Finally leather trench coats become fashionable on Wall Street?

Reality - Much cooler than you could ever imagine.

I told you.

6. Runaway Bride

Guess - Julia Roberts decides to run a 5k. Also she brought her grandfather to watch?

Reality - OH MY GOD THATS GROSS!

Have your eyes puked yet?

Dumb name? Wait until you hear the story behind it.

Loads of new people are named after someone in particular. Usually someone the parents respect or like. But some kids have some god awful names.

1. Chase
"We weren't sure what to name him at first but decided on Chase around his third birthday. Boy that kid LOVED tag. But next Christmas he got a playstation. It's not legal yet, but we're calling him Sit."

2. Joe? Errr Tim....?
"We're not really sure what his name is. We're working on making a real one."

3. Bob
"I had him while I was bobbing for apples. I'm very sentimental."

4. Hercules
"If you would like to see a real model child our son Hercules is just the best. He is fantastic at absolutely everything. He is even great at being an only child. Oh wait, I guess he would be... The other one kind of ruined it."

He must have just forgot the speech bubbles.

What if Mr. Henny Penny had been in charge of creating speech bubbles for some of the worlds most praised paintings?

1. The Last Supper by Leonardo DaVinci

"Wait J.C. you didn't pee in the wine again did you?"

2. Nighthawks by Edward Hopper

"Listen Buddy I don't want any trouble, but the bar is closed!"

3. The Creation of Adam by Michelangelo

"I totally just rubbed my socks on the carpet for like an hour so maybe this isn't a good idea."

4. Drawing Hands by M.C. Escher

"Do you want your portrait done or not? Then sit still!"

Lunch notes for unwanted, unappreciated adopted children.

1.
Grocery list:
1. Milk
2. Eggs
3. Bread
4. Chicken Breast
5. Cereal

"Sorry Zach I guess I put the wrong note in your lunch. I coooould change it but I'm like really busy with mom stuff right now so maybe later."

2.
"Tell Timmy I said 'have a great lunch.' That boy is fantastic. I bet he never argues, or asks to stay up late or goes into his parents room in the middle of the night and says he is scared because there might be monsters under his bed! Seriously?! Monsters?! How dumb are you?"

3.
"I hope you enjoy school today...Bobby...?
That's your name right?"

4.
"So listen Derek, I forgot you had a severe peanut allergy so just don't eat the PB&J, or the the peanut butter granola bar, and don't dip your celery in the peanut butter. You can read all that right? I mean you are in pre-school."

5.
"Approximately 17% (or 12.5 million) of children and adolescents aged 2-19 are obese, and since 1980, obesity prevalence among children and adolescents has almost tripled. That's why you don't have a lunch!"

If you have an ad that you think is good. It isn't

1. Schick Quattro
If you buy our product we will give you five hundred dollars! Oh wait. I mean a trip to the beach and a huge ass floppy hat. Thats what women want!

This is how the conversation went in the board room.

Johnson - How about we have specially marked packages that could entitle the owner to five hundred dollars.

Smith -  That could work. How should we advertise this. A big picture of money? A full wallet? What?

Johnson - No, what if we throw them for a loop and have a picture of a woman on a beach.

Smith - That might work.

Johnson - No I'm not done. Then, just for the hell of it, we have to include a big floppy hat!

Smith - You lost me.

2. PlaySkool Tape Recorder
The Playskool Tape Recorder will have your young son fighting to sing. Or he'll be constipated. I honestly can't tell.

1.Why the boxing gloves?
2.Why does he have bandages on? In the advertisment it tells us that the recorder is "unbreakable." Once I put the two together I just assumed the product designers tested its durability by beating this child up with the actual toy. Thats normal right?

2. The Betty Crocker Easy-Bake Oven
Used around the world by little children... Hitler Youth children that is.

In the paragraphs below the picture it describes the product, and in the description it says the oven bakes with two ordinary light bulbs. I have a story to describe the cooking powers of light bulbs. When I was about eight years old I got those sticky stars that you could put on your ceiling at night and they would glow. In the directions it told me to place the star in direct light for one day so it could glow. Me being the a.d.d. genius I was I said "F*ck that! Im putting this b*tch ON the lightbulb!" So I did. Soon after I forgot it was there. The star actually melted onto the bulb itself. But here's the catch. It took THREE weeks to melt completely. Three weeks sitting on the bulb being turned on most of the day. So to Mrs. Betty Crocker, unless you want me eating slightly warmed cupcake batter, waiting months for it to bake, or to not buy your product at all? Get some Mutha nuckin fire power up in there!

It's not that simple.

There are never just good and bad movies, good movies are separated into many different sub-groups. Just for your pleasure I decided to list and describe my ranking system of good movies simply because it's I'm not doing anything and your mother is so good to me.

1. Awesome movies - Awesome movies could usually also be referred to as "bro" movies. These are movies with tons of action and shooting and usually a scene where the main character walks away from an explosion in slow-mo but doesn't flinch or look back.
Ex. Lord of the rings (any of the three), scorpion king, the rundown...

2. Funny movies - Good funny movies are simply the best funny movies. Bonus points are awarded for casts including Will Ferrel, John C. Reilly, Seth Rogen or directed by Judd Apatow. These movies usually aren't well directed but they will make you poop "Lols."
Ex. Step Brpthers, Pineapple Express, Anchorman, Talladega Knights...

3. Great movies - These movies are the ones that win all the Oscars. They are usually much more serious and have serious, good actors and actresses. Actors like Marlon Brando and Robert DeNiro, people that actually study film and stuff like that. These movies are for a more mature audience because of sometimes confusing plot lines but in the end they will make you either think or cry. Every once in a while a movie can barely be in this category and barely be in the funny category. These are wildcards like The Princess Bride.
Ex. Michael Clayton, The Godfather, Raging Bull...

Me = punk.

The Internet truly is one of the worst inventions ever. It is so terrible because it gives 15 year old boys like me the outlet to say whatever we want, to whomever we want, however we want and whenever we want. I hate myself for it. Normally I would never say any of these things that I write, in real life, but, this Internet thing makes everything seem less direct. Making it possible for me to be a litle punk. So please save yourself and stop reading this blog. Or don't take any of it seriously, your choice.

It's better if you just don't say anything.

Eight things you don't want to have to say after a one night stand. Simple as that nerds.

1. So I like all of your Jesus posters.
2. You look different than I remember... Much more manly... Like a man. Ok, wait, what's your name again? Ok, Brian? That's the problem. So listen Brian this was a mistake.
3. Wait, so if this isn't your house, and it isn't my house....
4. Sorry I pooped my pants last night. It was an accident.
5. Was this baby in the bed the whole night?
6. I think your cat was licking my toes last night, it was cute. Wait you don't have a cat?
7. I really enjoyed the "meet and greet" with your parents last night.
8. Can you remind what the ice pick is for again?


Eight things you don't want to hear after a one night stand.
1. You remember my fee right?
2. I can't wait to start our lives together.
3. 9:30?! Shit I missed algebra!
4. Would you like to stay for lunch? (mumbles) And two weeks after?
5. You got lucky with me. I have this thing called genius herpes.
Don't you mean genital herpes?
I'm not sure. Maybe. I'm kind of retarded.
6. I met your girlfriend. She seemed nice.
7. Are you hungry? I can ask my mom to make pancakes.
8. I'm so glad we filmed that.

Water, batteries and important appointments.

It seemed appropriate to give some guidance to those going through the flood right now, so I put together a list of five things that can possibly save your life.

1. Do: Steal stuff.
2. Say (out loud in a crowded area): OH GEE I could have sworn I turned the water off! (people love that one)
3. Do: Offer to help people clean up after the flood. This is usually a great opportunity to see what kind of crazy things people have that you might want.
4. Think: I better not miss my appointment at Chuck E Cheeses!
5. Do: Don't miss your damn Chuck E Cheese appointment!

If you do, say and think these main five things you're set.

Stay away from my club soda!

Every time I go to a restaurant, and let me tell you I go to a lot of restaurants, I always want the same thing. I'm a pretty simple guy, I like simple things, you know? Collecting wicker furniture, sewing onesies, ramen and peas. So I just want to chow down on a big old bowl of ramen and peas and a pitcher of club soda. They read me the specials, and I wait for it. I'm literally whispering, "ramen and peas" under my breath, but I never hear it. So of course I have to ask. Restaurants never have ramen and most don't have pitchers of soda either, or at least not ones they're willing to give to a single person. I just like to refill my own drink okay? Anyone could spit in club soda. It's club soda, it's clear, just like spit. Or pee! If the pee-er is really hydrated, and here's how to stay hydrated. Rule number one: drink drink drink. Rule number two: drink drink drink drink. Rule number three: stay away from vitamins. They make your pee look really yellow. I'm talkin neon yellow. Rule number four: don't eat asparagus. It won't make you dehydrated but it will make your pee pee smell like crap, and then the jig is up because they're on to you. Anyways please let me know If you come across a restaurant that serves ramen with baby peas mixed up in it.

Do you like inception?

I liked Inception but just not nearly as much as everyone told me I would. At this point I have had one too many stoners tell me "dude you need to get baked and watch this movie." But this rant isn't really about Inception. It's mainly about stoners and my theory on them. Stoners LOVE to tell you how great it is to get high and do pretty much about anything. "Dude you need to get high and watch this YouTube video, you need to get high and listen to this song, you need to get high and read In Cold Blood." Don't tell me what I need to do, I'm a grown-ass woman. My theory on stoners is that they aren't stoners first then nerds who tell you to do nerdy things like watch this YouTube video, listen to this song, read In Cold Blood. They are nerds who become stoners because they need an excuse for their absurd behavior. Nobody in their right mind would decide to do something like watch Barney while listening to coldplay, so become a stoner, problem solved right? "dude I fell in love with this terrible band and we all know Barney sucks but I can't stop watching! Ahh, fuck it let's go get high." d000d that is a sweet idea and a great excuse.