How was work today at the place where you work Pt. 2

This is the second installment of a series  called, "How was work today at the place where you work?" The post immediately below this one explains it in much more detail, but in short I'm basically going to devote a post to helping you find out if your friends thinks you do some horrible job, that you do not do for a living. Each post will talk about one terrible job. This post is about the terrible profession of being a.....

2. Cop
Being a cop has to be terrible. The only worse thing than being a party-pooper, is taking a paycheck for being a party-pooper, and in sum that is exactly what a cop does. It's like breaking your arm on a playground so you can't play anymore. Then giving money to the equipment that you got injured on. Obviously it isn't their fault that everything fun, is also illegal (speeding, not paying for meals, peeing in public, etc). But their job is to keep people from doing these fun things. Then they punish them. Then they get paid. How do they sleep at night? I hope it's with a gun under their pillow. Police Officers are probably the most disappointed group of jabrones ever. They must have grown up watching movies that showed cops kicking doors in, getting in gun fights, and helicopter chases. And what do they get? They work their butts off in the academy to finally graduate and find themselves directing traffic or walking old ladies across the street. Next they find themselves waking up 30 years later doing the exact same thing, but now there's a f*cking mustache on their face! You don't want to be a cop, and you don't want your friends to think you're a cop. Here's how to know if they do.

Sign #1- Every time they go to do something crazy and wild and fun, they leave you out. Either they think you're a cop and they don't want to get arrested, or they just don't like you that much.

What should you do? - If that's the case then your only hope is to get accepted into the police academy, graduate, become a cop, and arrest their asses! Ooooo weeee! Revenge is sweet.

Sign #2 - When you're going hog wild on some really good food, and they use the expression, "HE'S EATING THAT FOOD LIKE IT'S A DONUT!" They probably think you're an officer of the law.

What should you do? - Well if they said that, and you like donuts. Maybe they have some. It's a long shot but they might. Then again, that's a really dumb connection to make. Find smarter friends.

How was work today at the place where you work? Pt. 1

According to the adults that I've asked, schooling nerds, blogging, and snapping necks whilst cashing checks, are not actual jobs. So technically I don't have a job, but I do have friends and it would kind of suck if they didn't know what I did for a job. If I had one. Here, I'm going to give a few jobs that you hopefully don't have, but your friends may think you have. In the words of Doyle Lonnegan, "Ya Folla?"

1. Prostitution (I'm sixteen so please excuse my lack of knowledge of the prostitution world, if you continually find your self correcting my vocab in your head you might be a dirty hooker. In that case I can't help you.... Dirty Hooker.)

I think we can all agree that being a prostitute is just about as bad as it can get. That line of business subjects you to STD's, aggressive strangers, and Patrick Bateman. Just looking at one of those prostitutes can give you herpes simplex one, two, and three. If your friends think you have sex for money it says a lot about how shady you and your friends are. But I'm willing to look past all of that to help you see the signs.
Sign #1. If you do one of those "one night stands" with one of your friends, and you wake up to find money on your dresser. Your little friend probably thinks your a hooker.

What should you do?- I think it would be rude NOT to take the money.

Sign #2. If the subject of prostitution comes up in conversation and your friends keep replacing whore, hooker, bimbo, ho, and skank with more gentle nouns, like escort or street professional. Then they give you some encouraging or reassuring look or maybe a gentle pat on the back. They think you're a dirty little prostitute.

What should you do?- Just talk about prostitutes in the most condescending way possible. This will help convince your friends that you are not one of those people. Boom! You and your little dirty prostitute body just fooled those idiots. Find smarter friends.

Inspired?

This post is sweet and simple and could cut to the core of any man. I'll be showing you pictures that appeared online after I searched "inspirational picture," then I will make some smart comment and you will laugh and tell your friends. Ok?

1.

"The poster's right guys, let's find a nice B&B and hunt Frodo in the morning."

Look at dem similarities!

2.

So everyone else knows NOT where to go, just in case the huge desert didn't tip them off already.

3.

Read more, be confused more.

4.

Ahh yes, oak, as in a f*cking ocean. Nice going dummy.

5.

This one helped me realize that I don't want Tom from myspace making my inspirational quotes. y@ d1g?!?!?!

Convincing Arguments for 9 of the Worst Things in the World

1. Drugs
Would you like to lose a few pounds..... and your children? If so then barbiturates are for you.

2. Killing
Overpopulation is a serious problem. Take it into your own hands and give murder a shot. It may just help.

3. Cheating
There are far too many lonely wonderful people out there who just want to be loved. When you think about it that way does adultery really sound that bad?

4.STD's
You've been dodging that routine doctors appointment for way too long. That mysterious itch is exactly what's going to get you in there.

5. Putting the Empty Cereal Box Back
I'm sure everyone would like to know what cereal we DID have.

6. Laziness
Save your energy for when there is actually something important to do.

7. Envy
I'm actually having a little trouble focusing right now. I'm so envious of the kid with the gameboy next to me I can hardly see straight. I feel dizzy... But uh, dizziness is fun. I mean, why do you think little kids spin around in circles until they drop. Envy: try it.

8. A Faulty Fire Alarm
Who cares if it's three in the morning. There's probably a fire somewhere.

9. Pride
A 97% is definitely better than an 89% on that English test. Of course he should take your tray up! What's wrong with having a little pride in your work?

But the cover says different.

The cover to a DVD is extremely important. It gives the viewer a glance into what the whole movie will be about. Well thankfully some movies have done this terribly, but as LeVar Burton would say, "Don't take my word for it." Let's have a look.

1. 8 Mile

Guess - Eminem stars in a cheaper remake of Memento?

Reality - Pill poppin Eminem schools a bunch of black folks.

2. The Da Vinci Code

Guess - Tom Hanks and his awful haircut refuse to meet you eyeline? (The proof is there)

SEE!?

Reality - Tom Hanks uncovers ancient mysteries... With his awful haircut.

3. Legally Blonde 2

Guess - No dogs are allowed in the Capitol. But she's ok with that?

Reality - I have no idea. I didn't watch it. Did you?

4. Knocked Up

Guess - Awkward Jewish guys?

Reality - Hey I was right!

5. The Matrix Reloaded

Guess - Finally leather trench coats become fashionable on Wall Street?

Reality - Much cooler than you could ever imagine.

I told you.

6. Runaway Bride

Guess - Julia Roberts decides to run a 5k. Also she brought her grandfather to watch?

Reality - OH MY GOD THATS GROSS!

Have your eyes puked yet?

Dumb name? Wait until you hear the story behind it.

Loads of new people are named after someone in particular. Usually someone the parents respect or like. But some kids have some god awful names.

1. Chase
"We weren't sure what to name him at first but decided on Chase around his third birthday. Boy that kid LOVED tag. But next Christmas he got a playstation. It's not legal yet, but we're calling him Sit."

2. Joe? Errr Tim....?
"We're not really sure what his name is. We're working on making a real one."

3. Bob
"I had him while I was bobbing for apples. I'm very sentimental."

4. Hercules
"If you would like to see a real model child our son Hercules is just the best. He is fantastic at absolutely everything. He is even great at being an only child. Oh wait, I guess he would be... The other one kind of ruined it."

He must have just forgot the speech bubbles.

What if Mr. Henny Penny had been in charge of creating speech bubbles for some of the worlds most praised paintings?

1. The Last Supper by Leonardo DaVinci

"Wait J.C. you didn't pee in the wine again did you?"

2. Nighthawks by Edward Hopper

"Listen Buddy I don't want any trouble, but the bar is closed!"

3. The Creation of Adam by Michelangelo

"I totally just rubbed my socks on the carpet for like an hour so maybe this isn't a good idea."

4. Drawing Hands by M.C. Escher

"Do you want your portrait done or not? Then sit still!"

Lunch notes for unwanted, unappreciated adopted children.

1.
Grocery list:
1. Milk
2. Eggs
3. Bread
4. Chicken Breast
5. Cereal

"Sorry Zach I guess I put the wrong note in your lunch. I coooould change it but I'm like really busy with mom stuff right now so maybe later."

2.
"Tell Timmy I said 'have a great lunch.' That boy is fantastic. I bet he never argues, or asks to stay up late or goes into his parents room in the middle of the night and says he is scared because there might be monsters under his bed! Seriously?! Monsters?! How dumb are you?"

3.
"I hope you enjoy school today...Bobby...?
That's your name right?"

4.
"So listen Derek, I forgot you had a severe peanut allergy so just don't eat the PB&J, or the the peanut butter granola bar, and don't dip your celery in the peanut butter. You can read all that right? I mean you are in pre-school."

5.
"Approximately 17% (or 12.5 million) of children and adolescents aged 2-19 are obese, and since 1980, obesity prevalence among children and adolescents has almost tripled. That's why you don't have a lunch!"

If you have an ad that you think is good. It isn't

1. Schick Quattro
If you buy our product we will give you five hundred dollars! Oh wait. I mean a trip to the beach and a huge ass floppy hat. Thats what women want!

This is how the conversation went in the board room.

Johnson - How about we have specially marked packages that could entitle the owner to five hundred dollars.

Smith -  That could work. How should we advertise this. A big picture of money? A full wallet? What?

Johnson - No, what if we throw them for a loop and have a picture of a woman on a beach.

Smith - That might work.

Johnson - No I'm not done. Then, just for the hell of it, we have to include a big floppy hat!

Smith - You lost me.

2. PlaySkool Tape Recorder
The Playskool Tape Recorder will have your young son fighting to sing. Or he'll be constipated. I honestly can't tell.

1.Why the boxing gloves?
2.Why does he have bandages on? In the advertisment it tells us that the recorder is "unbreakable." Once I put the two together I just assumed the product designers tested its durability by beating this child up with the actual toy. Thats normal right?

2. The Betty Crocker Easy-Bake Oven
Used around the world by little children... Hitler Youth children that is.

In the paragraphs below the picture it describes the product, and in the description it says the oven bakes with two ordinary light bulbs. I have a story to describe the cooking powers of light bulbs. When I was about eight years old I got those sticky stars that you could put on your ceiling at night and they would glow. In the directions it told me to place the star in direct light for one day so it could glow. Me being the a.d.d. genius I was I said "F*ck that! Im putting this b*tch ON the lightbulb!" So I did. Soon after I forgot it was there. The star actually melted onto the bulb itself. But here's the catch. It took THREE weeks to melt completely. Three weeks sitting on the bulb being turned on most of the day. So to Mrs. Betty Crocker, unless you want me eating slightly warmed cupcake batter, waiting months for it to bake, or to not buy your product at all? Get some Mutha nuckin fire power up in there!

It's not that simple.

There are never just good and bad movies, good movies are separated into many different sub-groups. Just for your pleasure I decided to list and describe my ranking system of good movies simply because it's I'm not doing anything and your mother is so good to me.

1. Awesome movies - Awesome movies could usually also be referred to as "bro" movies. These are movies with tons of action and shooting and usually a scene where the main character walks away from an explosion in slow-mo but doesn't flinch or look back.
Ex. Lord of the rings (any of the three), scorpion king, the rundown...

2. Funny movies - Good funny movies are simply the best funny movies. Bonus points are awarded for casts including Will Ferrel, John C. Reilly, Seth Rogen or directed by Judd Apatow. These movies usually aren't well directed but they will make you poop "Lols."
Ex. Step Brpthers, Pineapple Express, Anchorman, Talladega Knights...

3. Great movies - These movies are the ones that win all the Oscars. They are usually much more serious and have serious, good actors and actresses. Actors like Marlon Brando and Robert DeNiro, people that actually study film and stuff like that. These movies are for a more mature audience because of sometimes confusing plot lines but in the end they will make you either think or cry. Every once in a while a movie can barely be in this category and barely be in the funny category. These are wildcards like The Princess Bride.
Ex. Michael Clayton, The Godfather, Raging Bull...

Me = punk.

The Internet truly is one of the worst inventions ever. It is so terrible because it gives 15 year old boys like me the outlet to say whatever we want, to whomever we want, however we want and whenever we want. I hate myself for it. Normally I would never say any of these things that I write, in real life, but, this Internet thing makes everything seem less direct. Making it possible for me to be a litle punk. So please save yourself and stop reading this blog. Or don't take any of it seriously, your choice.

It's better if you just don't say anything.

Eight things you don't want to have to say after a one night stand. Simple as that nerds.

1. So I like all of your Jesus posters.
2. You look different than I remember... Much more manly... Like a man. Ok, wait, what's your name again? Ok, Brian? That's the problem. So listen Brian this was a mistake.
3. Wait, so if this isn't your house, and it isn't my house....
4. Sorry I pooped my pants last night. It was an accident.
5. Was this baby in the bed the whole night?
6. I think your cat was licking my toes last night, it was cute. Wait you don't have a cat?
7. I really enjoyed the "meet and greet" with your parents last night.
8. Can you remind what the ice pick is for again?


Eight things you don't want to hear after a one night stand.
1. You remember my fee right?
2. I can't wait to start our lives together.
3. 9:30?! Shit I missed algebra!
4. Would you like to stay for lunch? (mumbles) And two weeks after?
5. You got lucky with me. I have this thing called genius herpes.
Don't you mean genital herpes?
I'm not sure. Maybe. I'm kind of retarded.
6. I met your girlfriend. She seemed nice.
7. Are you hungry? I can ask my mom to make pancakes.
8. I'm so glad we filmed that.

Water, batteries and important appointments.

It seemed appropriate to give some guidance to those going through the flood right now, so I put together a list of five things that can possibly save your life.

1. Do: Steal stuff.
2. Say (out loud in a crowded area): OH GEE I could have sworn I turned the water off! (people love that one)
3. Do: Offer to help people clean up after the flood. This is usually a great opportunity to see what kind of crazy things people have that you might want.
4. Think: I better not miss my appointment at Chuck E Cheeses!
5. Do: Don't miss your damn Chuck E Cheese appointment!

If you do, say and think these main five things you're set.

Stay away from my club soda!

Every time I go to a restaurant, and let me tell you I go to a lot of restaurants, I always want the same thing. I'm a pretty simple guy, I like simple things, you know? Collecting wicker furniture, sewing onesies, ramen and peas. So I just want to chow down on a big old bowl of ramen and peas and a pitcher of club soda. They read me the specials, and I wait for it. I'm literally whispering, "ramen and peas" under my breath, but I never hear it. So of course I have to ask. Restaurants never have ramen and most don't have pitchers of soda either, or at least not ones they're willing to give to a single person. I just like to refill my own drink okay? Anyone could spit in club soda. It's club soda, it's clear, just like spit. Or pee! If the pee-er is really hydrated, and here's how to stay hydrated. Rule number one: drink drink drink. Rule number two: drink drink drink drink. Rule number three: stay away from vitamins. They make your pee look really yellow. I'm talkin neon yellow. Rule number four: don't eat asparagus. It won't make you dehydrated but it will make your pee pee smell like crap, and then the jig is up because they're on to you. Anyways please let me know If you come across a restaurant that serves ramen with baby peas mixed up in it.

Do you like inception?

I liked Inception but just not nearly as much as everyone told me I would. At this point I have had one too many stoners tell me "dude you need to get baked and watch this movie." But this rant isn't really about Inception. It's mainly about stoners and my theory on them. Stoners LOVE to tell you how great it is to get high and do pretty much about anything. "Dude you need to get high and watch this YouTube video, you need to get high and listen to this song, you need to get high and read In Cold Blood." Don't tell me what I need to do, I'm a grown-ass woman. My theory on stoners is that they aren't stoners first then nerds who tell you to do nerdy things like watch this YouTube video, listen to this song, read In Cold Blood. They are nerds who become stoners because they need an excuse for their absurd behavior. Nobody in their right mind would decide to do something like watch Barney while listening to coldplay, so become a stoner, problem solved right? "dude I fell in love with this terrible band and we all know Barney sucks but I can't stop watching! Ahh, fuck it let's go get high." d000d that is a sweet idea and a great excuse.

I'm polite. Now can I borrow your scissors.

Let's get this straight. I love company. I just love having people over to my house. But I hate being company because I always have such bad luck with it. Every time I go over to someone's house the exact same thing happens within the first few seconds I walk through the door. People always say "go ahead, take your socks and shoes off." WHAT? How the hell am I supposed to do that?! Don't you know it's impossible to take your socks off before your shoes? But I try to be polite as I can, and what do I get for it? A bunch of socks cut up with scissors. What do you think I'm made of sock money? Or socks for that matter?

Weekend hotel review

This past weekend I decided to get away for awhile. You know just stay at a bed and breakfast somewhere and enjoy myself. So I finally found this very quaint little place with themed bedrooms. When I checked in the lady at the desk asked me which room I would like to stay in? After looking over the list of themed rooms I decided on the theme "night." I thought it would be peaceful and calm, maybe some glow in the dark stars on the ceiling, or perhaps a recording of crickets chirping. Sounds good doesn't it? But after looking into it a little more I realized it didn't come with electricity, you couldn't check in until midnight and you had to be gone by sunrise. The brochure said those exact words. "Gone by sunrise." So after rethinking my choice I decided to go with the theme day/evening/night/morning. This was just a blank room. It also didn't come with electricity but there were a ton of windows. So out of five stars I would like to give the "Realistic Themes Bed and Breakfast Inn," one star.

happy valentine's day to me. yeah, right!

soo i woke up this morning and i was in a good mood. i RAN to the answering machine to see if i got a message from my girlfriend but of course that little slut didn't even call to wish me a happy valentine's day. hello, it's august 7th aka valentine's day, you bitch. i'm gonna break up with her.

How and why I will beat up your honors student

I hate those stupid "my child is an honors student" stickers. But I'm taking it to a whole new level by hating the honors student and their parents themselves. But saying it isn't enough for me. No. I will hunt down and murder everyone who bears a "my child is an honors student" sticker. Yes, you heard me correctly. Murder, and I'll tell you why. Because nobody really cares that your 12 year old son Derek is an honors student at some mediocre suburban school. That is not an accomplishment. And what kind of parent would put the sticker on their car. If the sticker said "my son is an honors student, and I can punch a hole through your soul" I would understand completely, but they don't. In fact they might as well say "my child is an honors student, and I haven't really done much lately except get higher cholesterol and watch late night re-runs." So now I'll get to the part where I kill them all. I think I should do this by cutting their heads off with my kick-ass ninja sword ,that you can clearly see exists in my profile picture. Then after that I don't really know what I'll do. Perhaps polish my various trophies and medals. (Clearly I'm a winner)
The end.

lunch surprise nuckaaaa

This is the story of Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson. Mrs. Johnson was a simple woman who lived on her lonesome in a cute little house on Chestnut st. She loved her house more than anything because it was all she had. She had no kids or husband. The one fateful day the city ordered her to move out of her house so they could bulldoze it to make way for a new shopping mall. The very next day a team of construction workers came to kick her old ass out and knock down her house. She had no choice, she had to leave. But Mrs. Johnson never forgot their faces. Months later, when Mrs. Johnson was homeless and living on the streets in town she saw those same construction workers re-building the court house. So this is what she did. She mosied on over to the big old oak tree where the workers had sat their lunches down. They put them under the tree to keep them cool, of course. Smart. So Mrs. Johnson took every single lunch behind the courthouse building and pooped inside all of their sandwiches, and guess what! They ate 'em.